Adventures in Massage

For Valentine's Day, Scott surprised me with a gift card for a massage. I've been holding the card, waiting for the right time to use it. After an exceptionally long week, I was looking forward to relaxing and unwinding. I pulled out my gift card, scheduled an appointment and headed to the spa as soon as Timmy went to sleep.

Having a massage is a luxury to which I am not accustomed. I can count on one hand the number of times I have received a professional massage, but each experience has left me wanting more. I am always amazed with how relaxed and pain-free I feel afterwards. With my back aching from sitting and working long hours, I couldn't wait to lie down and let the masseuse work her magic.

After entering the heavily perfumed room, I was greeted by Teresa, my assigned massage therapist. She was professional as we reviewed the intake forms (seriously, there were almost as many questions as when I visit the GYN) and after the questions were complete, I was instructed to disrobe and climb onto the table.  When she reentered the room, her demeanor seemed to change from professional to giddy. 

Teresa proudly showed me her blue cup which was adorned with silver graffiti.  Without missing a beat, she explained that Jesus woke her up in the middle of the night and told her to create the uplifting cup of life. Hmm.. this is a bit unexpected. Maybe I'll just smile and she'll stop talking. Not really sure how to react and because my instinct to bolt was stymied by the fact that I was naked and without my leg, I opted to just smile and nod. She continued to tell me that the energy from the inspiring words written on the outside of the cup penetrate the water and provide strength. Um, okay. How about drinking some of that strength water and start working on my back?  Finally she put down her strength cup and dimmed the lights. I was hoping that this would end the chatter and that my evening of relaxation would begin.

As it turns out, Teresa had quite a story to share. As she was rubbing my neck and shoulders she revealed that she has lived through an out of body experience. "One night I was dog tired but woke up in the middle of the night to pee. I got halfway to the toilet when I realized that I had left my body in bed. I saw my soul, and it was a silvery shade of blue." Hmmm... I wonder if I could get dressed and get my leg on the next time she reaches into cabinet for another hot towel?

She continued to tell me about Jesus breathing on her face each night when she prays. "His breath is warm and smells like a combination of peppermint and chocolate."  Well, Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies are quite yummy.  Makes sense that Jesus would like them as well. I don't really need my clothes. If I could just get my leg on, I could run out of here naked. I have a close parking spot.

Teresa continued the massage and our odd therapy session. I learned all about her evil deeds and the "dirty things" she used to do with her body when she was young. She mentioned several times that massage was the perfect calling for her because it was one of the few professions where she was still "safe to believe, if you know what I mean."  I don't need my leg. I'll hop out naked and Scott can pick up my leg later. Shoot. My keys are in my jeans. I'm stuck.

To be honest at this point I really had no idea what she was talking about, but I found myself just agreeing out of fear that my questions would prompt more discussion. Besides, I learned early in the hour that she continued to massage when she was talking, but her hands stopped moving if I spoke. I finally just stopped trying to make sense out of what she was saying and acquiesced that my silent and relaxing massage was not going to materialize. Instead, I was treated to a soliloquy from an enthusiastic, albeit unusual, massage therapist.